Ex-Factor

Let go, let go.
Jump in.
Well, whatcha waiting for?
It’s alright.
'Cuz beauty in the breakdown.

I finally said goodbye to JDM.

I am not a person who is about the word "goodbye." For me, to say goodbye is to never see someone again and to fully let go. Instead, when I have to see a person off, I always end with a "see ya later", "until next time", "Aloha Oe" or some derivative that implies that I will see him/her again. Even with those people that I haven't seen in years, I still hold on to that hope that one day we'll cross paths and catch up (yep, that is the lot of you out there reading this!) Once the word "goodbye" is said, nothing is spoken, nothing is mentioned... all is put in the past and the moving on process begins.

Many of you who are out there reading this are fully aware of the events of late September and beyond, and I won't drudge this story up here (if you don't know, call me up and we'll do sangrias at Dominick's.) However, I find it frustrating at how horribly I've handled this situation up until now. Instead of channeling my negative energy into other fruitful pursuits, often times I found myself retreating back into me. There would be points where I would start to find a sense of normalcy, but JDM would do something or say something which would cause things to come crashing down again.

Even though all of my friends and family had told me to let go, for some reason I could not. Somehow I thought I could snap my fingers and make things go back to the way they were back in Fall Semester of 2005 if I was able to persuade him the “right way” or "look as good as I did" back then. Consciously or unconsciously, this is how I conducted any of my interactions with JDM, so inevitably I would get hurt. Never mind the fact that he cheated on me, never mind the fact that he replaced me with another Filipino guy, never mind that he would still speak to me even though I requested for space... my hurt came from not "being with him." It was like I was hitting my head against a brick wall repeatedly.

Yet, there comes a point where you realize that hitting your head on a wall repeatedly could be hazardous to your health . For me, that point came last Friday. For the sake of privacy and respect, I will not go into full details of what happened that night. No, nothing sexual or risqué happened. Instead, I finally realized how deep the wounds JDM inflicted on me really were and how little he respects me. It’s important to be loyal and supportive to your friends. However, at some point you have to realize what is being supportive and what is opening up old wounds. Personally, I have not healed at all. I still need time to work things out and find myself again. Until I find that peace of mind, I’m not going to be happy. And, that’s just extremely unfair to me.

Looking back on it, I’m extremely disappointed in myself. I should’ve been more careful about my heart in the first place and stuck to my original plans Junior year (the three acronyms: MCAT, FASA, MPAA.) Knowing how things worked themselves out over this past year, I would have stayed in to study Animal Phys that night I met him. This relationship took so much emotional, physical, mental and spiritual energy out of me; energies that would’ve been much better put towards being a better FASA President or MPA or doing better academically or on MCAT’s.

None of this was more apparent to me than when I was at the APIA Senior Send-off yesterday. Because I was “nursing my wounds”, I took a bit of time away from all of the activities I used to be involved with. When I saw the people who showed up, I realized that either a) I haven’t hung out with any of these people since Sophomore year, or b) I don’t know you at all. Though everyone was happy to see me (and vice versa), I couldn’t help but feel sad about the whole situation. I was either too busy trying to fix whatever was going wrong in my relationship last year or I was too busy trying to fix myself this year. I was such a bad friend and a community member this year, and now I don’t have the time to rectify that.

Now I’m truly moving forward. Not laterally, not backwards. I cannot afford to do this to myself anymore. Especially with this transition point in my life, I need to be able to go wherever I end up with a clean slate. By saying goodbye, I feel that I’ve made the most important step in closing out my years here at the University on a relatively good note. The next 8-9 days, sans the paper and the exams, can truly be some awesome times now. Ultimately, I will find the peace of mind that I’ve been searching for all this time.

I'm still keeping Dewbear though. He has only one daddy now.